Ten Things We Should Never Say To Kids

Ten Things We Should Never Say To Kids | An Introduction

2010-06-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

There are at least ten things we should never say to kids.

I know this because I've spent most of my adult life creating resources and learning environments for adolescents and the youth workers, parents and teachers who care for them.

Along the way I've said or heard every one of these ten adult No-Nos and witnessed the damage done to growing boys and girls—and to their relationships with the adults who, it should be said, still have to do some growing of their own.

Now I've compiled those Ten Things into a freewheeling collection of "chapters" that I'm posting here (It's a little more complicated than that, but that's a story for another day).

So, tell your friends about Ten Things We Should Never Say To Kids and let me know what you think.

Download the Introduction to Things We Should Never Say To Kids | Introduction

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Thing One : Do You Have Your Jacket-Homework-Gym-Bag-Back-Pack-Ticket-Keys?

2010-06-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

Adults say lots of things to kids that don't really help either of them. OK, that's not exactly true-some things help adults get things done right now; but the near-term benefit quickly turns to a long-term liability. Thing One: Do You Have Your Jacket-Homework-Gym-Bag-Back-Pack-Ticket-Keys? is such a thing.

Download Thing One

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Thing Two: What Were You Thinking!

2010-06-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've looked into this pretty carefully and come to believe a lot of parenting is thinly veiled hazing. You know, hazing-where the strong (or privileged) humiliate the weak (or recently arrived) as part of initiating them into a desirable society. Take your own survey: I bet you'll find most kids never feel much stupider or more tongue-tied than when backed into a corner by an angry adult demanding to know Thing Two: What Were You Thinking!

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Thing Three: Because I Said So.

2010-06-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

Anyone can be broken. If kids nag long enough almost anyone will crack and utter the words they swore they would never say . . . "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Why, I wonder, after 14 generations of life together as North Americans, has no one stepped up to say, "I have an answer that's better than "Because I said so!" Well . . . the wait is over.

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Thing Four: You Are Such a Pretty Little Thing

2010-06-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

All things considered, I think one of the worst things you can tell a little girl is how pretty she is. Let's say for the sake of argument that a child stands before us and the child in question is relatively attractive in whatever subculture she inhabits. So what? Telling her she's pretty is a useful compliment the way Krispy Kreme is a food product. Tasty? Sure, if you think so. Nutritious? An important part of a balanced diet? Are you kidding?

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Thing Five : I'm Proud of You!

2010-06-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

Thing Five unpacks the (apparently heretical) notion that telling kids we're proud of them is a mistake. Go ahead; roll your eyes. But hear me out. This chapter is also the reason Ten Things We Should Never Say To Kids is free.

Download Thing Five

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Thing Six: You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind To.

2010-06-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to? Come on, who are we kidding. I hate give away the punchline before you've had a chance to read Thing Six. So I'll only give away half: "If you think you can, you might..."

Download Thing Six

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Thing Seven: Let Me Tell You What Happened Here

2010-06-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

The language of expertise is, "Let me tell you something."
The language of exploring is, "Let me ask you something."
I think we fail kids as teachers if we don't respect them as learners.

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Thing Eight: That's Not How You Do It.

2010-06-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

Who said the only way to fold towels is the way your mother folded them, which is the way her mother and her mother's mother folded towels for as long as anybody can remember; probably back to the time when there were no towels and people just stepped out of the river and air-dried? When a kid hears the words, "That's not how you do it," she thinks, "No; that's not how YOU do it," and the battle of wills is on. But to what end?

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Thing Nine: Don't Make Me Turn This Car Around.

2010-06-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

Adults who try to bluff children into submission really haven't thought through the whole threat thing in general. By the time you resort to threats (especially if everyone knows you're bluffing) you've turned parenting into a zero sum game. And you've already lost.

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Thing Ten: I Give Up.

2010-06-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

"I give up" has a permanent ring to it that shocks and terrifies children. Giving up sounds like abandonment, like the end of hope, like the death of the future. If your child believes you've given up on him, there's a scary chance he'll give up too.

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Ten Things We Should Never Say To Kids: The Last Word

2010-06-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Of course you love your child; Of Course! Nobody questions that. The question is: "If you've come to believe you're doing some things that drive your kid nuts, can you find what it takes to stop doing those things? The easy answer is, "Of course; I'd do anything for my kid." The hard, realistic answer was in Thing Six: If you think you can, you might. If you think you can't, you won't.

Download The Final Word

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